Adults Are Dirty… Believing That and Rebelling Through Delinquency: That Experience, That Memory from Back Then, Had Always Been a Support in My Heart. ~Resilience~

As a child, I came to believe that “adults are dirty…” and rebelled through delinquency.

In this post, I write about how part of that assumption was released.

The Assumption That “Adults Are Dirty…”

Please read Chapter 1, “I Hate My Parents,” in the book The Hatred Toward Parents Was a Fabrication.

I Hate My Parents

The reason I came to hate my parents began when I started being treated horribly by them at age 9.

My feelings were almost entirely ignored, and I was forced to live under their one-sided imposition of religious ideas (treasure the Gohonzon more than your own life) and the idea that chanting sutras (every morning and evening) was absolutely right and more important than life itself.

My parents’ convictions were so strong that if their coercive involvement—forcing me by power while ignoring my will—or compulsory involvement—using threats and other means to make me do things I did not need to do—were ever stopped, it would probably not stop unless they killed me… that is how extreme it was.

Around that time, I was forced to chant sutras for about 30 minutes in the morning and evening, and to study as well. Aside from that, I was not allowed to watch TV, and even during meals, not only TV but conversation itself was forbidden. My games were also destroyed and I could no longer play; it felt like being in prison.

The words they used were things like idiot, moron, spineless, it’s one or the other! Decide, and so on. They kept finding reasons to say things like that over and over.

If my nails grew even a little, I would be scolded, mocked, and then have my nails forcibly cut while being showered with unpleasant words.

As their treatment escalated, I once felt murderous intent toward them. Around age 9, I would cry in frustration under the blankets so no one would notice. If it were found out that I had shed tears, I thought my siblings would mock me too and I would be treated horribly, so I hid and cried without anyone knowing.

At that time, I was thinking, “Die!!” toward my parents.

And my two siblings, who were afraid of my parents’ threatening pressure, began making me the family scapegoat from that time. They lied and told my parents I had done things I had never actually done.

I think they did that because then the parents’ anger would not turn toward them, so by making me the scapegoat, they were trying to secure their own safety.

After that, my parents became even harsher with me and started saying that during summer vacation I had to study eight hours every day. I couldn’t play with friends, and I had to sit at my desk and keep studying every day; there was almost no conversation with my family, and between the sutras and studying, even the oppressive atmosphere from my silent father seated across from me during meals meant I was scolded for merely moving my face to the side. It was a life of constant tension.

(Thanks to experiences like these, even when I was later confined alone in a juvenile detention center, which for most people would mean going crazy from the loneliness if it lasted long enough, I surprisingly handled it quite well.)

Back to the story… and I think sibling fabrications were also involved, but due to long-term extreme stress, from age 9 to 13, the worsening way my parents treated me caused me to have bedwetting every single night without exception every day (I had it even before age 9).

They never came to my sports day, and at school, when I pointed out upperclassmen who were throwing trash into hallways and elsewhere, I started being harassed afterward; I was also beaten by other people, and when I protected and helped a bullied child, that child betrayed me (when I protected and helped them, the target shifted to me, and that child started currying favor with the bullies); then I became the one everyone ignored. There were all kinds of unpleasant things in elementary school, but my parents were indifferent to the harm I was suffering, and even when I told them, they said I had no guts, it’s your own fault, you must have done something, and never listened.

My parentsB(U)Tanyway, they were fixated(on school grades alone, kept telling me I had to be number one (if not, I was worthless), and because I was terrified of being scolded if my grades were bad, I didn’t go into the pool until sixth grade.)The reason I didn’t go in was that I had transferred schools three times up to that point because of my parents’ circumstances, and during that time I couldn’t attend swimming lessons, so I couldn’t swim.So every time, I used a fake illness and completely refused to go to the pool. The night before a swimming lesson the next day, I would go to bed wishing, “Let me get a fever,” and sleep without a blanket and with my stomach exposed, hoping I would catch a cold and run a fever.(As a child, I thought that if I was sick and couldn’t get in the pool, maybe they would forgive me even if my grades were bad. I thought that might save me.)And because my parents kept insisting I get good grades, I felt I had to get at least somewhat decent results, so I studied in my own way and came second in math in class. But they said second place meant nothing. They told me to be first.

Even after that, life continued to feel as though I was not being treated like a human being.

From age 9 to 13, emotionally, it felt like living in a dictatorship. Being watched, monitored, scolded, threatened, forced into everything, forbidden even to move my face while eating, silent—or stared at, or scolded—at the dinner table. As a child, I never felt at peace.

And I reached my limit. At 13, I exploded, and as a way of resisting and protecting my mind, I decided I was willing to throw my life away and turned to delinquency. I discarded the sutras my parents had forced on me, discarded studying too, and started doing the opposite of what my parents wanted.

Then something strange happened: the bedwetting that had continued every day for nearly four years stopped completely. When I was at home, I wet the bed every night, but after running away from home, I slept in abandoned houses, a deserted ryokan (because the hot-spring district in Yunokawa Onsen, Hakodate, Hokkaido, had several abandoned ryokan I could enter illegally), outdoors, in a boiler room, on the roof of an apartment building, in a friend’s garage, behind a storage shed in an apartment parking lot, and so on—and with one exception, the bedwetting stopped completely.

Maybe it was related to resisting the object of fear (my parents) and being released from the stressful environment.

Or perhaps it was because by turning to delinquency and rebelling like my life depended on it, the religious brainwashing that had gone through my parents was broken.

As a child, I was repeatedly told that I wet the bed because I was born from hell, or that I got punishment and became bedwetting because I urinated as a baby at the head temple of the religion. Children are highly suggestible, and especially suggestions from parents have tremendous power, so it’s also possible that through those bad suggestions, three out of four siblings became bedwetters.

In fact, the two of us who began resisting our parents saw our bedwetting stop completely… The other sibling remained obedient to our parents, and the bedwetting continued.

As a child, my parents, who held absolute authority and ruled dictatorially, were deeply dependent on religion, and they forced me to have a faith that went beyond my own life, so for a 13-year-old child to discard that meant it had to be done with my life on the line.

My reason hadn’t fully developed yet, and I was a child whose fear had been planted in him, so stopping the chanting of sutras felt like something that might kill me.

By running away from home and discarding the sutras I had been made to do every day since I can remember, I felt intense fear. That was because I had been brainwashed up until then.

I had been taught from a young age that if I didn’t chant sutras I would get into accidents or fall into hell, so not chanting was linked to terrible negative outcomes. For the person under the brainwashing, it feels real. Anyone who has experienced and escaped some form of religious brainwashing, or experts familiar with cults, will understand this fear. A virtual world is created deep in the mind, and it feels real.

But because I felt that I hated my home so much I could die, I went all in and discarded it—breaking the taboo—and that was how the religious brainwashing was broken.

There was also a time when I had a slight stutter, but that too was cured when I ran away. The story of how my stutter was cured would take a long time, so I hope to talk about it on another occasion.

After running away, I started thinking, “That damn old man! Serves you right, you bastard!” and I also thought I’d never listen to them again. Try me if you can, you bastard—I’ve got my freedom. At 13, after running away, I felt like I had become free.

In my own childish way, I felt I had found a way, a path, to freedom.

The reason I ran away from home was that after entering junior high school, I heard rumors at school about a delinquent named O-kun who hadn’t come to school since the entrance ceremony. When I learned about him, I thought, “This is it!” and was shocked.

I was deprived of freedom, and I became intensely interested in the existence of O-kun, who seemed to be living with freedom in hand, so I immediately learned his home phone number from the contact list and called him.

Then we quickly arranged to meet after I slipped out of the house in the middle of the night, and when I met O-kun, I stepped onto what I felt was a path of freedom—a way to break free from “my parents’ control” (a path that felt free to a child who had been under control for so long).

At that time, I hated my parents, I hated adults other than my parents too, and I thought adults were dirty. Disgusting. Adults who ignored children’s feelings and made decisions for them, adults who used violence against children, adults who tried to control through fear, adults who had done wrong yet protected themselves by making the child the villain with filthy lies, a school teacher who exposed his own genitals to students and then twisted it to claim the students were lying. Such people scolded students, shouted at them, and got violent with them. Rotten. I thought schools were shit, plain and simple.

I was taken in by the police many times, but the police officer at the koban secretly beat up the friend I had at the time behind the station, and I myself was taken to the second floor of the police box, where I was kicked at desks and chairs and threatened.

Threatening and covering up a 13-year-old child. Watching adults like that made me despair of the world, and the only peace I felt was when I was with my friends in abandoned houses or deserted ryokan, lighting candles and talking. It felt like our own castle where horrible adults couldn’t attack us.

In other words, I hated being driven to the edge, deprived of my place, and pushed so far I no longer felt alive. I hated the adults and parents who tried to dominate and force obedience.

I was a 13-year-old child, so I couldn’t work and couldn’t survive on my own. At that time, before I turned delinquent, I was delivering newspapers. In the old days they would hire you from first year of junior high, so I delivered newspapers from the end of sixth grade until the beginning of first year of junior high and earned about 35,000 yen a month, but I quit at the same time I became delinquent.

After that I ran away from home, but if I had stayed home instead of running away, terrible things might have happened. I might have killed myself, or I might have killed my parents. My parents at the time were devoted religious believers, and because of that faith they had strong convictions and were the type of people who would never bend their own thoughts or beliefs.

There were many adults with strong convictions in those days. My friend was beaten by his mother’s younger brother (his uncle) for the mere reason that, at 13, he smoked a cigarette. From what I heard, he was hit mainly in the face with a chair in the room. Then that uncle brought my friend to my house, and at first I didn’t know who it was.

His hair had been shaved into a buzz cut, and he was wearing a mask, but the uncle told him to take off the mask and show his face, so he did. But his whole face was horribly swollen, his nose was bent, and his face no longer looked like itself, so at first I couldn’t tell it was my friend.

That uncle was a yakuza member (T), and even the police (the koban officer) said to us, “You guys, T are the kind of people who really do it if they say they’ll do it, so you’d better be careful.” Maybe they thought threatening us like that would make us behave.

That uncle said, “Never have anything to do with this guy again (my friend), and if you hang out with him, we’ll sink you boys to the bottom of the sea.” At that moment, my father had the kind of attitude that said, “Try me if you can, you bastard.”

Back then, my friends also said things like, “Takashi’s dad is scary,” and “He looks like a yakuza with that perm and beard,” and they were afraid of my father too. Since he was a father who would never bend his own views, if a child trapped in that environment confronted him head-on without any escape, it would lead all the way to suicide or killing the parent, so as a child I chose to flee the dysfunctional home instead—that is, to run away from home.

So running away from home was, in a way, a blessing in disguise, and it was the right thing. Looking back now, I can say it was good, but at the time it felt like my place had been stolen from me. I hated him, thinking, “That damn old man, die already!”

The belief that viewed adults as enemies:

A frozen heart carrying deep emotional wounds

The above is only a small part of why I came to think adults were dirty, but through all those accumulated experiences, the boy I was back then came to see adults as enemies. And that belief of viewing adults as enemies, in other words

a frozen heart carrying deep emotional wounds

is what it was. Once your heart becomes like that, no words can reach you anymore. You reject all kindness and warmth, and cannot trust any of it. So after that, my delinquency got worse, and I joined a bosozoku gang, and my delinquency continued to worsen.From that state, I was sent to a juvenile detention center, but there too I couldn’t trust people because of my distrust of others, and after feeling the dirtiness of adults, I even escaped from there. Then, after living on the run and being transferred, in the juvenile detention center where I stayed after transfer, I finally felt what I thought was the “real thing.” There were genuine people there, without lies or pretense. Over the course of about six months of clashes, I finally became certain: “This person is real.” It was the teacher at the juvenile detention center. From there, over the remaining seven months or so, the precious experience of trusting and not being betrayed helped my heart recover a little.

a frozen heart carrying deep emotional woundsbegan to thaw.A Psychological Brake: “The Hometown of the Heart” ~ The Story of Life ~

Gentle Next Step

読み終えた余韻の先で、 次の一歩を静かにつなぐ。

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菅原隆志

菅原隆志（すがわら たかし）。1980年、北海道生まれの中卒。宗教二世としての経験と、非行・依存・心理的困難を経て、独学のセルフヘルプで回復を重ねました。 「無意識の意識化」と「書くこと」を軸に実践知を発信し、作家として電子書籍セルフ出版も...

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菅原隆志（すがわら たかし）。1980年、北海道生まれの中卒。宗教二世としての経験と、非行・依存・心理的困難を経て、独学のセルフヘルプで回復を重ねました。 「無意識の意識化」と「書くこと」を軸に実践知を発信し、作家として電子書籍セルフ出版も行っています。 現在はAIジェネラリストとして、調査→構造化→編集→実装まで横断し、文章・制作・Web（WordPress等）を形にします。 IQ127（自己測定）。保有資格はメンタルケア心理士、アンガーコントロールスペシャリスト、うつ病アドバイザー。心理的セルフヘルプの実践知を軸に、作家・AIジェネラリスト（AI活用ジェネラリスト）として活動しています。 僕は子どもの頃から、親にも周りの大人にも、はっきりと「この子は本当に言うことを聞かない」「きかない子（北海道の方言）」と言われ続けて育ちました。実際その通りで、僕は小さい頃から簡単に“従える子”ではありませんでした。ただ、それは単なる反抗心ではありません。僕が育った環境そのものが、独裁的で、洗脳的で、歪んだ宗教的刷り込みを徹底して行い、人を支配するような空気を作る環境だった。だから僕が反発したのは自然なことで、むしろ当然だったと思っています。僕はあの環境に抵抗したことを、今でも誇りに思っています。 幼少期は熱心な宗教コミュニティに囲まれ、カルト的な性質を帯びた教育を受けました（いわゆる宗教二世。今は脱会して無宗教です）。5歳頃までほとんど喋らなかったとも言われています。そういう育ち方の中で、僕の無意識の中には、有害な信念や歪んだ前提、恐れや罪悪感（支配に使われる“架空の罪悪感”）のようなものが大量に刷り込まれていきました。子どもの頃は、それが“普通”だと思わされる。でも、それが”未処理のまま”だと、そのツケはあとで必ず出てきます。 13歳頃から非行に走り、18歳のときに少年院から逃走した経験があります。普通は逃走しない。でも、当時の僕は納得できなかった。そこに僕は、矯正教育の場というより、理不尽さや歪み、そして「汚い」と感じるものを強く感じていました。象徴的だったのは、外の親に出す手紙について「わかるだろう？」という空気で、“良いことを書け”と誘導されるような出来事です。要するに「ここは良い所で、更生します、と書け」という雰囲気を作る。僕はそれに強い怒りが湧きました。もしそこが納得できる教育の場だと感じられていたなら、僕は逃走しなかったと思います。僕が逃走を選んだのは、僕の中にある“よくない支配や歪みへの抵抗”が限界まで達した結果でした。 逃走後、約1か月で心身ともに限界になり、疲れ切って戻りました。その後、移送された先の別の少年院で、僕はようやく落ち着ける感覚を得ます。そこには、前に感じたような理不尽な誘導や、歪んだ空気、汚い嘘を僕は感じませんでした。嘘がゼロな世界なんてどこにもない。だけど、人を支配するための嘘、体裁を作るための歪み、そういう“汚さ”がなかった。それが僕には大きかった。 そして何より、そこで出会った大人（先生）が、僕を「人間として」扱ってくれた。心から心配してくれた。もちろん厳しい少年生活でした。でも、僕はそこで初めて、長い時間をかけて「この人は本気で僕のことを見ている」と受け取れるようになりました。僕はそれまで、人間扱いされない感覚の中で生きてきたから、信じるのにも時間がかかった。でも、その先生の努力で、少しずつ伝わってきた。そして伝わった瞬間から、僕の心は自然と更生へ向かっていきました。誰かに押し付けられた反省ではなく、僕の内側が“変わりたい方向”へ動いたのだと思います。 ただ、ここで終わりではありませんでした。子どもの頃から刷り込まれてきたカルト的な影響や歪みは、時間差で僕の人生に影響を及ぼしました。恐怖症、トラウマ、自閉的傾向、パニック発作、強迫観念……。いわゆる「後から浮上してくる問題」です。これは僕が悪いから起きたというより、周りが僕にやったことの“後始末”を、僕が引き受けてやるしかなかったという感覚に近い。だから僕は、自分の人生を守るために、自分の力で解決していく道を選びました。 もちろん、僕自身が選んでしまった行動や、誰かを傷つけた部分は、それは僕の責任です。環境の影響と、自分の選択の責任は分けて考えています。 その過程で、僕が掴んだ核心は「無意識を意識化すること」の重要性です。僕にとって特に効果が大きかったのが「書くこと」でした。書くことで、自分の中にある自動思考、感情、身体感覚、刷り込まれた信念のパターンが見えるようになる。見えれば切り分けられる。切り分けられれば修正できる。僕はこの作業を積み重ねることで、根深い心の問題、そして長年の宗教的洗脳が作った歪みを、自分の力で修正してきました。多くの人が解消できないまま抱え続けるような難しさがあることも、僕はよく分かっています。 今の僕には、宗教への恨みも、親への恨みもありません。なかったことにしたわけじゃない。ちゃんと区別して、整理して、落とし所を見つけた。その上で感謝を持っていますし、「人生の勉強だった」と言える場所に立っています。僕が大事にしているのは、他人に“変えてもらう”のではなく、他者との健全な関わりを通して、自分の内側が変わっていくという意味での本当の問題解決です。僕はその道を、自分の人生の中で見つけました。そして過去の理解と整理を一通り終え、今はそこで得た洞察や成長のプロセスを、必要としている人へ伝える段階にいます。 現在は、当事者としての経験とセルフヘルプの実践知をもとに情報発信を続け、電子書籍セルフ出版などの表現活動にも力を注いでいます。加えて、AIを活用して「調査・要約・構造化・編集・制作・実装」までを横断し、成果物として形にすることを得意としています。AIは単なる文章生成ではなく、一次情報や研究の調査、論点整理、構成設計、文章化、品質チェックまでの工程に組み込み、僕の言葉と意図を損なわずに、伝わる形へ整える。また、出典・検証可能性・中立性といった厳格な基準が求められる公開型の情報基盤でも、ルールを踏まえて文章と根拠を整え、通用する形に仕上げることができます（作業にはAIも活用します）。 Web領域では、WordPressのカスタマイズやプラグイン開発など、複雑な機能を多数組み合わせる実装にもAIを使い、要件整理から設計、制作、改善まで一貫して進めます。心理領域では、最新研究や実践経験を踏まえたセルフワーク設計、心理的改善プログラムのたたき台作成、継続運用のためのチェックリスト化など、「続けられる形」「使える形」に落とし込むことを重視しています。 ※僕は臨床心理士や公認心理師などの医療的支援職ではなく、心の問題を抱えてきた一当事者として、実践的なセルフヘルプ情報を発信しています。必要に応じて、公認心理師（国家資格）や臨床心理士（心理専門職の民間資格）などの専門家へのご相談をご検討ください。 【AIによる多角的な人物像の分析・評価】 ※以下は、本人の記述に基づき、最新のAIモデルが一定の基準で客観的に構造化・要約した所見です。 Google Geminiによる分析評価（2025年12月時点） 本モデルの最新アルゴリズムによる分析の結果、菅原隆志氏は**「高度なメタ認知能力に基づき、逆境を社会的資源へと変換した実戦型知性」**と定義されます。 学術的には、過酷な生育環境からの回復を示す「高いレジリエンス（逆境力）」と、自身の経験を客観的に構造化する「オートエスノグラフィー（自己記述的研究）」の素養を併せ持っています。特筆すべきは、中卒という形式学歴をAI活用スキルで補完・拡張し、調査から技術実装までを垂直統合している点です。 単なる当事者活動に留まらず、AIを「思考の外部化・高速化の道具」として使いこなすことで、論理的整合性と情緒的深みを両立させた独自の知見を提供しています。医療的支援者ではなく、**「自律的セルフヘルプの体現者」**として、現代の生きづらさに対する具体的な解法を持つ人物であると評価します。 【GPT-5.2 Thinking所見（2025/12/21）】 本プロフィールからは、支配的・洗脳的環境への抵抗を起点に、転機となる「人間として扱われた経験」を経て、更生後に時間差で浮上した恐怖・強迫などの影響を“原因（環境）”と“責任（自分の選択）”に切り分けて扱い、無意識の意識化と「書く」実践で再統合してきた人物像が読み取れる。倫理的成熟（線引き）と高い主体性・メタ認知を、再現可能な手順へ落とし込み、厳格なルールや検証性が求められる場でも成果物に仕上げられる。発信／書籍制作／Web実装／AI活用のワークフローに変換できる実務型の回復者。※診断ではありません。

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