“My life is miserable”
There are many people who feel that way and suffer deeply.
But I believe there is a significant misunderstanding hidden within this feeling of “misery” that is easy to overlook.
What is it?
“Miserableness” is often not reality itself
That is what I mean.
What happens and the meaning we give to what happens are, in principle, separate things.
Yet people often confuse the two.
For example, work is not going well.
Income is low.
Relationships are not going well.
You are in a socially disadvantaged position.
Your living situation is unstable.
These things certainly exist as real problems.
It is also true that they are painful.
Difficulties are difficulties, and burdens are burdens.
We should not take them lightly.
But the fact that those realities exist and
“therefore I am miserable”
are not the same thing.
There is a huge leap here.
Work not going well is not the same as being miserable.
Having no money is not the same as being miserable.
Being in a painful situation is not the same as having no human worth.
Nevertheless, before we know it, people begin attaching labels to reality.
Instead of “I’m failing,”
“I’m miserable.”
Instead of “I’m in pain right now,”
“I’m ashamed of being this kind of person.”
Instead of “the situation is bad,”
“my very existence is inferior.”
The moment this substitution happens, people are hurt more deeply than by reality alone.
That is because they not only suffer from the event itself, but begin using that event as grounds to deny their own existence.
I believe that one of the things that destroys people most deeply is not reality itself, but
the meaning we assign to reality
And here, there is something I want to say very strongly.
That is,
thinking “I am miserable” can actually be farther from reality
than reality itself.
At first glance, this may sound paradoxical.
Some people may think, “Isn’t feeling miserable proof that you are really seeing the painful reality?”
But I don’t think so.
That is because the word “miserable” is not a term that simply describes reality as it is; it is a very strong value judgment.
For example,
having no money
- having no home
- having no job
- being alone
- being socially unstable
- These may all exist as facts.
But
therefore miserable
- therefore beneath other people
- therefore lacking dignity
- therefore my life has no value
- Once you get that far, it is no longer fact; it is interpretation.
Moreover, that interpretation is not necessarily purely your own.
It is often mixed with
social values, comparisons with others, feelings of shame, past wounds, and the conditioning of the environment in which you grew upIn other words, even if a person thinks, “I am seeing reality,” in fact they may be seeinga heavily processed and distorted reality
That is why I think this.
Feeling pain is not escapism.
Acknowledging hardship as hardship is not escapism either.
But adding the story, “therefore I am a miserable person,” is not the same as looking at reality accurately.
Rather, it can even be a state in which you are
hiding inside a wounded interpretation
instead of seeing reality itself.
I believe there is a very big difference here.
To see reality means to acknowledge pain.
But it does not mean branding that pain as “miserable.”
The word “miserable” is not a description of reality; it is sometimes only
the meaning you gave to reality
That is precisely why revisiting that meaning is not escapism.
Rather, it is a process of looking at reality more accurately and more precisely.
Here, there is one more important point.
Even if you understand what this article is saying and actually try to revise your view to
“Maybe I’m not miserable; maybe I only gave that meaning to it,”
it is still normal to feel miserable again while living your life.
This is very important.
Because when that happens, people tend to say
“I still haven’t changed after all”
“This way of thinking was pointless”
“In the end, I really am miserable”
and start blaming themselves again.
But that is not necessarily true.
Feeling miserable again does not necessarily mean your understanding was shallow or that you are weak.
Rather, behind it may be
an outside force that makes you feel that way
There are people in the world who, openly or subtly,
make you feel that
“you are beneath others”“you are inferior”“you are in a shameful position”
“you are the kind of person who belongs on the miserable side”
People who try to dominate by showing superiority.
People who look down on you.
People who detect your weakness and try to gain a sense of superiority from it.
People who try to control you by triggering anxiety and inferiority.
People who quietly erode your dignity.
Projectionist people (those who cannot face the inferiority or misery within themselves, so they push it onto others and try to make the other person feel inferior or miserable).
People who drag you onto a comparison stage and want to show that they are better.
People like this really exist.
So no matter how much you try to reexamine your own meaning-making, if you keep interacting with such people again and again, it is only natural that your feelings will be shaken once more.
At this point, it is better not to interpret it as
“I feel miserable again. So I must be a failure.”
Instead,
it is important to see that this may be something that came into your heart from outside
This perspective alone can make people feel much lighter.
For example, after talking with someone, if strong feelings of inferiority or misery arise,
rather than immediately concluding,
“I really am no good,”
you can step back and think,
“This feeling may have been triggered by my interaction with that person,”
“Maybe I’m mistaking the other person’s superiority or condescension for my own true nature,”
“This may not be fact, but a feeling the other person tried to make me swallow,”
This one step is enormous.
Because it means
taking back the steering wheel of your own mind
People are prone to believe that if a feeling comes from inside them, it must be an absolute truth.
But in reality, a large part of it may have been induced, planted, and amplified through relationships.
In other words, misery does not always spontaneously arise purely from within oneself.
Someone’s gaze, someone’s attitude, someone’s values, someone’s desire for superiority can flow into you and make you mistake it for your own true feelings.
That is why protection is necessary.
“Avoid being influenced”
“Reduce contact”
“Block it out in your mind”
These are not exaggerations.
Rather, they are necessary self-defense.
You do not need to take everyone’s words at face value.
You do not need to take everyone’s values into yourself.
You do not need to keep opening the door of your heart to people who erode your dignity.
If you can keep distance, keep distance.
If you can avoid deep involvement, it is better not to get involved.
If it is someone you cannot leave right away, in your mind
“This person is trying to plant something in me,”
understanding that is important, and you should not simply swallow it whole.
In other words, this does not end with just “let’s change the way we think.”
It is equally important to discern what kinds of relationships are pouring what kinds of meanings into you.
And here, there is one more important perspective I want to integrate.
That is
practical effort
If we leave that out, the picture is incomplete.
That is because even if it is true that feelings of misery are amplified by meaning-making, real problems do not automatically disappear.
For example,
if daily life is hard, you may need to make efforts to rebuild your life
if you lack skills, you may need to relearn them
if relationships are bad, you may need to decide to change your environmentif you are unhealthy, you may need rest, treatment, or lifestyle changes
if income is not enough, you may need to review your work style, expenses, or support systems
These may be necessary, apart from the issue of meaning, as ways of engaging with reality.That is why I believe thatrealizing “I am not miserable”
and
“then thinking about how to move reality”
are both important.
- These two are not opposed.
- Rather, they are connected in the proper order.
- If you are first
- “a miserable person”
- and have been swallowed by self-denial, effort tends to become painful.
Even when you try,
“I have to make this pathetic self look a bit better”
“I have to work hard so I won’t be looked down on”“I have to prove again that I’m not worthless”
you tend to move in that direction.
This kind of effort is exhausting.
For all the pain it causes, the mind doesn’t recover easily.
That is because the foundation is not dignity, but self-denial.
But if you can organize your thoughts into
“I am not miserable”
“I’m only in a painful situation; that doesn’t mean my human worth has fallen”
then the meaning of effort changes.
Effort is no longer
something to hide an embarrassing self
It is no longer
something to deny a miserable self
Instead,
it becomes something to make your life a little better
It becomes
an action to treat yourself with care
It becomes
a practical step based on dignity
This is extremely important.
I am not trying to deny effort itself.
Rather, in situations where it is needed, I think effort is very important.But that effort is not
“Because I’m miserable, I have to do this to escape from it”Rather, it is
“I am not a miserable person. That is precisely why I do this to make my life better”
That positioning is much healthier and much stronger.With that, even if your current self has not yet reached the ideal state, you can move forward without excessively denying yourself.
Even on days when things do not go well, your sense of worth is less likely to collapse.Even if you fail, it is easier to relearn from there.
In other words, revising meaning is not done so that you can stop trying.It is also to prevent effort from becoming distorted.
Gratitude is the same.
The gratitude I’m talking about is not a reason to stop making effort.
It is not an excuse to maintain the status quo.
It is not a beautiful phrase for leaving problems unresolved.
Gratitude is
the correction of the distortion that makes you decide you are miserable by looking only at what is lacking
and
it is also a perspective that helps you calmly choose the practical actions that are needed.
For example, we live in Japan.
Of course, this country has problems too.
Many people feel that life is difficult here.
Some may feel that things have gotten worse than before.
That is a reality.And yet, when we look at the world as a whole, simply living in this country is already a great blessing.
Public safety, running water, medical care, transportation, education, logistics, legal stability, a certain degree of freedom, the possibility of sleeping safely.
There is an enormous amount that we take so much for granted that we hardly notice it.
This is not meant to minimize anyone’s suffering.
Nor is it saying, “There are people who are worse off, so don’t complain.”
Rather,
it is a perspective for realizing that you were only seeing part of realityInstead of counting only what is lacking,
look also at what has already been given.
At that moment, the way life looks changes greatly.
Comparison itself is not the problem.
The problem is that when many people compare, they always end up looking at
people who seem above them, people who have more than them, people who seem more fortunate than them
only those people.
With that kind of comparison, no matter how much you have, the feeling of lack never disappears.
No matter how safe you are, the sense of deprivation never disappears.
And in the end, you are likely to drift toward the conclusion, “I’m miserable.”
But when you change the direction of comparison, what you see becomes completely different.
Do you really have nothing at all?
Are the safety, freedom, opportunities, support, and options here and now really zero?
What is still left, what is still given, what has not yet been lost?
When you ask again like that, little by little, people can move away from
painting over their entire life with a single label of “miserable.”
That is why I believe that even if your current situation is quite painful,
you do not need to define yourself as miserable.
Even if someone is homeless in Japan right now, I don’t think they need to be “miserable” as a human being.
Of course, there is real hardship.
There is anxiety.
Support would likely be needed.
Life’s difficulties are real.
And in that case, not only gratitude or revising meaning, but practical support, action, and effort will also be necessary.
But that is separate from dignity.
Having no roof is different from having no dignity.
Having little money is different from having no value.
Being in pain is different from being miserable.
That is why, if necessary, seek help.
Use the systems available.
Change your environment.
Review your way of working.
Learn again.
Run from the places you need to escape.
Make efforts to rebuild.
But that is not
to erase your miserable self.
It is
for your dignified self to improve your own reality.
I believe that the first thing needed to rebuild a life is not necessarily success, talent, or guts.
The first thing needed is
to peel away the wrong meaning you have stuck to yourself
And then, next,
to rechoose the practical efforts you need from a place of self-respect rather than self-denial
Phrases like “I’m already done for,” “My life is a shame,” “I’m miserable” may, at first glance, seem like straightforward descriptions of reality.
But in fact, they are not facts; they are interpretations.
And in many cases, they are merely one story produced by comparison, assumptions, conditioning, and old wounds.
And sometimes, that story is reinforced by others.
Through condescension, superiority displays, shame-triggering, inducing inferiority, projection, and projective identification, people may even be pushed into believing that story about themselves.
That is why three things are necessary.
First,
reexamine the meanings you have given yourself.
Second,
discern the meanings others are pouring into you.
And finally,
build the practical efforts you need without losing your dignity.
When these three come together, the mind is protected and life begins to move little by little.
Because it is a story, it can be rewritten.
But that rewriting is not sloppy positive thinking.
It is not the kind of thing where you force yourself to say, “I’m the best” or “Everything is going well.”
Such overwriting usually does not work at the deepest level of the mind.
What is needed is a quieter, more essential correction.
“I’m struggling right now. But that doesn’t mean I’ve been decided to be miserable.”
“I lack some things. But I also have things that have been given to me.”
“I’m down right now. But that doesn’t mean my human value has fallen too.”
“I’m suffering. But my very existence is not shameful.”
“Is this feeling really my true feeling, or is it something someone planted in me?”
“I don’t need to take this person’s values into myself as they are.”
“What is the practical first step I need right now?”
“What should I do not to blame myself, but to help myself?”
When this correction takes hold, little by little, people become free from the curse they had placed on themselves, from the illusion others had made them swallow, and from efforts twisted by self-denial.
To break free from misery is not to become a success story.
It is not to beat someone else.
It is not to become perfect.
It is to see through the wrong meanings you gave yourself, to see through the meanings others poured into you, and then to build the practical efforts needed in reality in a way that cares for yourself.
Reality is reality.
Problems are problems.
Suffering is suffering.
Effort is effort.
And dignity is dignity.
Each is a separate thing.
Just being able to distinguish them already saves the heart a great deal.
It is okay to have periods when life is not going well.
It is okay to have pain you can’t tell others about.
It is okay to have moments when you feel pathetic.
And sometimes it is okay for your mind to be shaken by others’ malice or sense of superiority.
And yes, it is also okay that from there, effort may be needed to change reality little by little.
Even so, that does not mean your very existence becomes miserable.
What is truly needed, especially in times like that, is
to change the way you read your life
and at the same time
to choose again whose voice you let into your heart
and furthermore
to take practical steps not to crush yourself, but to support yourself
Maybe that is it.
Your life is not miserable.You may simply have given it that meaning and read it as that kind of story.
And sometimes, that story may have been written into you by others.
If so, there is even less reason to take it at face value.
That story can be changed.
And reality can be moved little by little.
To those who are hurting now, I want to say this.
You may be suffering.
You may be exhausted.
You may be frustrated.
Reality may not be simple.
And there may be people around you who look down on you or make you feel miserable.
And there may be situations ahead where effort is needed to rebuild reality.
But even so, that does not necessarily mean you are miserable.
It may not be fact; it may be a meaning you were made to believe for a long time.
Or it may be a value system someone tried to feed you.
And meanings can be removed.
Being grateful for what is already there can be the first step.
Gratitude is not escapism.
Gratitude is not ignoring what was lost.
It is
reclaiming the reality you could not see before.
And keeping your distance from people who erode your dignity, not taking them at face value, and blocking them out in your mind is also not escapism.
It is practical intelligence for protecting your mind.
Likewise, making the effort you need is not escapism either.
It is not to erase your miserable self, but
an action to protect, organize, and nurture your precious life.
And finally, there is one more very important thing I want to say.
People easily lose sight of the value of things that are right there in front of them all the time.
Clean air.
Being able to feel the wind.
Birdsong.
Sunlight.
The fact that your body is here.
Being able to see.
Being able to hear.
The sensation of your fingers moving.
Being able to walk.
Being able to breathe.
Being able to feel something.
Because these things are too ordinary, they are often treated as if they were worthless.
But in truth, even this alone is amazing.
That is why I live in a place that people might call “a countryside with nothing in it.”It is true that from some people’s value system, that place may seem like “a place with nothing.”
But for me, it is different.
Within places dismissed as having “nothing,” there is actually a great deal of value to be felt.
I once wanted to “find” that.
There is nothing miserable about that place.
Even if something is lacking, that does not mean everything has been lost.
Even if something is inconvenient, that does not mean the value of the whole existence disappears.
When people look only at what has been lost, they tend to think of themselves as miserable.
But when they feel again what is here now, they can remember.
That they already have more than enough value.
Being alive.
Being able to feel.
Being able to touch this world.
Still being able to receive something.
Still being able to choose something.
Still being able to begin something.
Even that alone is truly enormous.
There is not a single miserable thing there.
Your life is not as shabby as you think.
Your existence is not as low as the label you have pasted on it.
And it is not as light as the evaluation someone else forced onto you.
You are not miserable.
You may have only given it that meaning.
Or perhaps you were only made to believe that way.
And that meaning can be changed.
You can put distance between yourself and its influence.
You can block out that voice.
You can also begin the necessary effort without losing your dignity.
Your dignity is not something that can be stolen so easily.
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